a new prayer for a new day

Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand. (NASB)

The above scripture was sent to me by a dear friend today to comfort me after the difficult news I heard earlier. The PET I had Friday showed "increased activity" in both lungs and the lymph nodes near my sternum. In layman's terms, the cancer has spread to my lungs. The worst part was having to tell my oldest who has already lost a loved one to this dreaded disease. My dear friend was praying for me as I delivered the news.

"Do not fear!" I am choosing to move forward in trust, not fear. Though I may grieve for my husband and children and the life I had hoped for, I will trust that the plan the Lord has for me and them is infinitely better than anything I could have planned.

"For I am with you" God is with me ALWAYS. He understands my sorrow and grieves with me, but he also tells me to take joy in my suffering and this I will do. One of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is joy and this I pray will be poured down upon my household and all who enter it.

"Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God"  I must admit, I tend toward the anxious, but several of my friends have never failed to remind me that I do not worship a God of fear and anxiety. This is the path He has chosen for me and my focus needs to be on Him, not the storms around me. I pray for faith that I will be able to do this and that my hope will remain strong.

"I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand"  I so desperately need His strength and help right now. I am already physically and emotionally tired and this journey has only just begun. I am grateful for His people who are already pouring out their love and strength to me and I pray that I will use them to help me and my family on the road ahead.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Wednesday and depending on the results, should start a new chemotherapy called Xeloda on Friday. It is a pill that I will take twice a day for two weeks at a time with a break every third week. It's all good though. God is good and His people are good and His plans are good and this life is good and I am determined to remain grateful. All I ask of any of you who may happen upon this little blog is that you pray for joy in my spirit, heart, and home.

On a lighter note, here is the picture my husband's next wife is going to have to look at above her mantle. I know, I know...you all wish you were as artistic. Maybe in your next life you will be blessed with my talent :)

Much love...

fear and waiting in Huntsville, Alabama

This is my prayer today:

Lord,
There are so many scriptures regarding waiting, waiting on you, and here we are again....waiting. I so wish I could wait without fear, in perfect peace, but today I am struggling. Intellectually, Lord, I know you have a plan and you will take care of my family if I get to go home. Intellectually, I know that the test hasn't even been run yet and it could be nothing. And yet I feel as if a cloud has settled upon me and I cannot see the light. I ask that you shine your light into my heart and into my home. I ask that you will guard my heart and mind with your peace and restore my joy, for I have much to be joyful for! I pray that I can focus my energy on others in need, instead of my own selfish worries. I pray that you will remove the spirit of doubt that seems to have invaded my home and replace it with a Spirit of Faith. I can't stop thinking that I do not worship a God of fear and anxiety and I feel guilty and faithless. Please restore me oh Lord. Lift me up into the Heavenly places and give me strength to encourage others as so many have tried to do for me lately. I am so tired. You promise in Isaiah 40 that " those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired; they will walk and not become weary." I claim this promise for me and mine today! You have poured your blessings upon me and I thank you for them. I thank you for the love and reminders of love you have blessed me with in the last 8 months. I thank you for this outlet and pray that anyone reading this will not think less of me for my feelings or you for your answers.
I offer this up to you in the Name of your most precious Son...

Psalm 34: 17-18
The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

This one's for Shelby.

Day 28 of radiation and my armpit is on fire! Oh, and deodorant is definitely underrated along with being able to shave under your arms. I could never live in France...


I started this blog so I would have a written account of my journey with cancer, but life got in the way and I put it off. Now I'm revisiting the idea of an online journal with just 8 radiation treatments to go. And I am doing this for you, Shelby (nice shout out, huh?)! I must say the best part of all of this has been the increase in my faith that God is GOOD. I have grown tremendously throughout all of the treatments, fatigue, and family drama. I've seen Jesus in the many people He has placed in my life, at just the right time, with just the right words and actions. But today, I am tired and in pain, and now I'm waiting on a phone call to let me know if the machine is working so I can have my treatment. Good times! BIG sigh... Waiting is the name of the game, right? Wait, wait, wait, and wait some more. I keep hearing the verse in my head: Be strong and take courage and wait for the Lord. I hear it over and over and over... Oh well, enough of THAT! It's time for some Udder Cream and maybe even a shower. Woo hoo! And just think, in a couple of weeks...wait for it...DEODORANT!!!!

disappointments and inspirations

I know, I know. I'm not very good at this blogging thing. I mean come on, a bald guy on a bike can ride 125 miles in one day and still find the time to blog, all I do is sit around all day and I can't find a minute, right? I do have cancer though so I think I have him beat :) Love you Lincoln!

So, last Friday I received the results of the chest ct I had to see if the spots on my lungs were shrinking. They are. In fact, all but one of them are gone and that one is significantly smaller. The lymph nodes are about fifty percent smaller and the breast tumor is smaller also. You would think I would be jumping for joy at this news; Dr. Gualtieri certainly was! I must admit, I was disappointed. I wanted the spots to be there so I would be able to classify my cancer as stage III, not stage IV. God chose not to give me that certainty. Dr. G. still refuses to stage me saying he isn't convinced the spots are cancer and one of my sisters in Christ sent me an encouraging message about calcification disappearing from her lungs for which I am grateful. The Lord used the beautiful Casey Green to lift my spirits by reminding me, and I quote, "It just gives us more to pray about and lets God perform a BIGGER miracle so that all can see and know that it is of God's hand that heals you. He is still working....doctor's news can't bring you the peace that God provides." Thank you Casey!  I needed to remember that He is in control. He also answered the many prayers that I would not be allergic to the Taxol. I actually felt pretty good this weekend hanging out with Cathy Jones (Phoebe's CathyMommy) while Donald and Cameron were at Outback of America. God is so good to me.

I am continually amazed by His grace and mercy and love, especially as it is shown to me and my family through His people. I am building relationships with women I would probably have never taken the time to get to know all because I have cancer. I am meeting new people, because I have cancer. I am sharing the Good News, because I have cancer. Other people are sharing the Good News, because I have cancer. Who would ever have thought that so much GOOD would come out of Cristina Boudah having cancer?!  I am more spiritually fit then I have been in years and I am just basking in the love that is surrounding my family. Team Cristina is at 92 members and growing. Can you feel the love?

On another note, in the Boudah household, we are reading the book Radical, and boy is it radical! I am revisiting a passion I used to have for the persecuted church in other parts of the world. You do remember that there is a global church, don't you? How can I whine about cancer when we have brothers in Christ sitting in prison while their wives and children starve, all for the Gospel? How can I complain when we have brothers and sisters in Christ in prison, being tortured, for Jesus? It does put things in perspective.  Hebrews 13:3 says "Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourself were suffering." Who did you pray for today?

random update

Yesterday I had my last dose dense treatment. In two weeks I start the first of twelve weekly Taxol treatments which will put me having a bilateral masectomy the week after Christmas. So many changes in so short a time. And yet I am grateful on this 9th Anniversary of 9/11. How can I not be? I've been given time to absorb the changes. The many women and men that died on that day were not given any time. It was just change for their families...sudden and irrevocable. My oncologist thinks my tumor has shrunk significantly and he is very pleased. I am having a chest ct on Sept. 22 to see if the spots on my lungs are still there (we want them to be!) so we'll be able to truly stage my cancer. I am grateful for every minute God gives me with my family, every minute my kids get to know me a little more and I am forever grateful for the prayers surrounding us and the encouragement from my Christian family and my friends who love me. This journey would be much bumpier without all of the support!

On a lighter note, between Summer Raby working out with me and the bald guy on a bike inspiring me, I am moving more. I walked a mile (pushing a stroller) one day, and I even made it four minutes on my elliptical machine Thursday! I also am hoping to be able to walk the 5K in the Liz Hurley Ribbon run on October 16. Woo hoo! AND, I met a woman yesterday who is on her 5th Taxol treatment and she still has eyebrows AND eyelashes!! There is hope yet, ha! Just remember people, God is good ALL the time!!

here we go

I keep forgetting I don't have hair. I reach up to pull out the pony tail holder or I jump when I look in the mirror. This goes along with the forgetting I have cancer. Most days my health is not an issue. I go about business as usual other than the many meals and friendly visits, my days are pretty normal. Then my throat gets sore or my head starts to ache and I remember, I have cancer. It's a little surreal. I never would have asked God to grow me this way. I guess that's why He's God and I am not. The guilt I feel when I yell at my kids is much more profound but so is the joy I hear at their laughter. The tears I now shed are much more heartfelt, but then again...so is my laughter! After all, how many of us have a built in excuse to get out of anything, and I mean anything... People are also much nicer to me with the bald head and all. I've gotten extra discounts and even a joke from the check out lady at Cameron's school. It makes life much easier when people are nice. Maybe I'm nicer too. I don't know. I do know that the support I am receiving is God sent. His people are surrounding me with love and prayers and encouragement. My friends are helping me to laugh my way through this and I am looking forward to what tomorrow brings. Until then... "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."John 13:35 NASB