Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thess. 5:16-18

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

just some thoughts

I've been meaning to update this for such a long time, but I hardly ever get on my computer anymore and my cell phone is not set up for blogging. Therefore, this may be long and somewhat scattered. I apologize in advance.

Luke 5 12-16 tells the story of Jesus healing the leper. After healing him large crowds came with many sicknesses begging for healing. Now here is the important part, Jesus slipped away to pray. He did NOT heal them, at least not all of them. I tell you this because it hurts my heart when people tell me Jesus will heal me if I claim it or just ask for it. Do you think I have not begged for it? That many of my friends and family do not do the same on a daily basis? And it's okay. It's okay if He chooses not to heal me and it's okay for me to talk about it. God is still good and I trust that He has perfect reasoning for whatever He lets happen in my life. So please, if you know someone with cancer, offer to pray for them, or better yet, with them, but do not question their faith if they are not healed. These things are not up to us.

On another note, I am feeling pretty good lately. I've made some changes to my diet and have been more specific in my prayer requests regarding side effects and between the two, the three weeks since my last treatment haven't been too bad. My energy has been a little low the last week, but I'm hoping that is just from lack of sleep and the fact that I have five kids (that I know of!). School, dance, soccer, theater, plus homework keep the Boudah household very busy.

Today I am receiving my fifth course of carboplatin/taxotere and for those of you who do not know, it is working. I had a ct three weeks ago that showed a phenomenal response so now we pray that it keeps working at this rate. I am certainly hopeful! And for those of you in Huntsville, The Botanical Garden is planting it's garden of hope on Oct. 8th and dedicating it on the 11th. You should go by some time after that and check it out. It is so inspiring to read the stories and gain some hope :) AND the Liz Hurley Ribbon Run is Oct. 15 and Team Cristina is participating for the second year. I am looking forward to hanging out with my friends and family and raising money for a good cause. It is such a blessing to have such an outward show of love through these events, as well as through the cards, meals, thoughts, prayers, kind words and smiles from people I love and from the people who are touched by my story. May God bless each and every one of you.

On a final note, I may have cancer, but at least I don't live in Maine.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cancer sucks. But life is good!

A quote from a book I read many months ago has been swimming around in my head all day long, "I am not dying from cancer. I am LIVING with cancer". I've had my pity party over the disappointing fact that the Xeloda did not work, not even a little bit. IT is now time to focus on the positive. God is good, let's see why I can say this.

I have some wonderful, sweet friends, and an awesome husband, who help me put things into perspective. When I went on my first regimen of chemo way back in July, I was told of the terrible side effects, nausea and vomiting, severe fatigue...well, you get the picture. Other than the not working that well on the cancer, it was not a truly terrible experience. God gave me strength and energy and the fabulous support of my church family and many friends to get me through it with minimal side effects. The second regimen was supposed to wipe out my white blood cells, greatly increasing my risk of infections which can be especially difficult in the fall with at least one of my children sick at all times. But my counts made a very slight dip to one point below normal and NEVER dropped again. It was truly amazing. I was so healthy that a week before my surgery, Levi got the flu and laid on me for at least 3 days and I didn't even get the sniffles. God is ever present in my life! My scans before my surgery were clear, surgery and recovery went well and it was on to radiation. I also responded good physically to the radiation, not knowing that the cancer was growing in my lungs, my body held up. I must admit I was surprised when my ct showed how fast the cancer had grown. I didn't feel bad enough to have cancer. I am still astonished some days. I truly believe God's Spirit has given me supernatural strength and energy to get through these days with my family and friends with some joy.

Now for today; I start a new chemo regimen this morning that is a combination of taxotere and carboplatin. I responded really well to taxotere's cousin taxol and the carboplatin shows great results in women with triple negative breast cancers so keep those prayers coming! My children are happy and busy, I am now allowed to enjoy some sunshine and laughter. Well, I am always able to enjoy some laughter :) It really is the best medicine. God CAN heal me, but if he chooses not to, I will still praise Him for all the good He has shown me and all the good He has promised my husband and children.

Oh, and I get to be bald again. I really do prefer to be bald when I have cancer. It gives me so many free passes and preferential treatment. And I can have so much more fun with people! Are you listening future wife? This is all part of your training!

Much Love....

Monday, April 4, 2011

a new prayer for a new day

Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand. (NASB)

The above scripture was sent to me by a dear friend today to comfort me after the difficult news I heard earlier. The PET I had Friday showed "increased activity" in both lungs and the lymph nodes near my sternum. In layman's terms, the cancer has spread to my lungs. The worst part was having to tell my oldest who has already lost a loved one to this dreaded disease. My dear friend was praying for me as I delivered the news.

"Do not fear!" I am choosing to move forward in trust, not fear. Though I may grieve for my husband and children and the life I had hoped for, I will trust that the plan the Lord has for me and them is infinitely better than anything I could have planned.

"For I am with you" God is with me ALWAYS. He understands my sorrow and grieves with me, but he also tells me to take joy in my suffering and this I will do. One of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is joy and this I pray will be poured down upon my household and all who enter it.

"Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God"  I must admit, I tend toward the anxious, but several of my friends have never failed to remind me that I do not worship a God of fear and anxiety. This is the path He has chosen for me and my focus needs to be on Him, not the storms around me. I pray for faith that I will be able to do this and that my hope will remain strong.

"I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous hand"  I so desperately need His strength and help right now. I am already physically and emotionally tired and this journey has only just begun. I am grateful for His people who are already pouring out their love and strength to me and I pray that I will use them to help me and my family on the road ahead.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Wednesday and depending on the results, should start a new chemotherapy called Xeloda on Friday. It is a pill that I will take twice a day for two weeks at a time with a break every third week. It's all good though. God is good and His people are good and His plans are good and this life is good and I am determined to remain grateful. All I ask of any of you who may happen upon this little blog is that you pray for joy in my spirit, heart, and home.

On a lighter note, here is the picture my husband's next wife is going to have to look at above her mantle. I know, I all wish you were as artistic. Maybe in your next life you will be blessed with my talent :)

Much love...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

fear and waiting in Huntsville, Alabama

This is my prayer today:

There are so many scriptures regarding waiting, waiting on you, and here we are again....waiting. I so wish I could wait without fear, in perfect peace, but today I am struggling. Intellectually, Lord, I know you have a plan and you will take care of my family if I get to go home. Intellectually, I know that the test hasn't even been run yet and it could be nothing. And yet I feel as if a cloud has settled upon me and I cannot see the light. I ask that you shine your light into my heart and into my home. I ask that you will guard my heart and mind with your peace and restore my joy, for I have much to be joyful for! I pray that I can focus my energy on others in need, instead of my own selfish worries. I pray that you will remove the spirit of doubt that seems to have invaded my home and replace it with a Spirit of Faith. I can't stop thinking that I do not worship a God of fear and anxiety and I feel guilty and faithless. Please restore me oh Lord. Lift me up into the Heavenly places and give me strength to encourage others as so many have tried to do for me lately. I am so tired. You promise in Isaiah 40 that " those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired; they will walk and not become weary." I claim this promise for me and mine today! You have poured your blessings upon me and I thank you for them. I thank you for the love and reminders of love you have blessed me with in the last 8 months. I thank you for this outlet and pray that anyone reading this will not think less of me for my feelings or you for your answers.
I offer this up to you in the Name of your most precious Son...

Psalm 34: 17-18
The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This one's for Shelby.

Day 28 of radiation and my armpit is on fire! Oh, and deodorant is definitely underrated along with being able to shave under your arms. I could never live in France...

I started this blog so I would have a written account of my journey with cancer, but life got in the way and I put it off. Now I'm revisiting the idea of an online journal with just 8 radiation treatments to go. And I am doing this for you, Shelby (nice shout out, huh?)! I must say the best part of all of this has been the increase in my faith that God is GOOD. I have grown tremendously throughout all of the treatments, fatigue, and family drama. I've seen Jesus in the many people He has placed in my life, at just the right time, with just the right words and actions. But today, I am tired and in pain, and now I'm waiting on a phone call to let me know if the machine is working so I can have my treatment. Good times! BIG sigh... Waiting is the name of the game, right? Wait, wait, wait, and wait some more. I keep hearing the verse in my head: Be strong and take courage and wait for the Lord. I hear it over and over and over... Oh well, enough of THAT! It's time for some Udder Cream and maybe even a shower. Woo hoo! And just think, in a couple of weeks...wait for it...DEODORANT!!!!